Ah, I'll tell you, these personals are such a joke.
Look at this, "single white female."
That could mean anyone from Madonna to Janet Reno.
Oh, here's one, "exotic good looks."
I'm seeing a debilitory problem.
I ask you, what kind of a loser shells out 200 bucks for one of these?
How do you know how much it costs?
Niles, clean up that mess. / What mess?
That one.
Sweetie, don't forget your RSVP for Jody's slumber party.
I don't want to go.
Why not? Sweetie, you get to eat like a pig,
make funny phone calls, and throw your guts up.
It's a very special time in a little girl's life.
Sure it sounds like fun, but I don't know if I can sleep without my bear.
So take Teddy with you?
Everybody will make fun of me. You have no idea how cruel children can be.
Honey, I've had this voice since the second grade. Need I say more?
I just don't know if I can sleep alone.
Oh, don't worry. You get used to it.
Oh, look. Here's a gem.
"Young bi-couple dig snakes,
contact Naomi, P.O. Box 666,
no weirdos."
Niles, move it with the food.
These society women are vultures. Where's the pate?
Why don't you just lie on the floor and let them peck at your liver?
This luncheon is very important.
These women are deciding between contributing to our show and the children's milk fund.
I don't want any thirsty little brats beating me out of that money.
Fran, I need a favor. Billy Hartwell wants to take me to a concert.
Oh, great. What concert? / You wouldn't know them.
Maggie, how old do you think I am? / The Stone Temple Pilots.
I'm 100.
So why? You want me to ask your father if you can go?
And ... The concert's kind of sold out.
So could you ask him if he could get us tickets too?
Oh, sure, Mags, you want backstage passes, fake I.D.'s,
the whole fat-chance package?
Thanks, Fran.
I don't know what they expect from me. These are hands, not wands.
Although they have performed magic in their day.
Niles, you know what those women pay to get that stuff sucked out of them?
I beg your pardon ... Miss Babcock specifically requested fat-free cream puffs.
Oh, come on, this is loaded with butter, eggs, and heavy cream.
There's enough cholesterol in there to kill them.
Oh, really?
Ladies, it is my very great pleasure to introduce my very dear,
very close personal friend, Maxwell Sheffield.
Who are these boring, dreadful women again?
They're wives of very rich men. / Ladies.
Brighten,
Brighten give her back that damn bear, you little...
Oh, hello. Excuse me. Pardon me.
Fake Chanel.
Kathy Marie O'Mally? Oh, my God.
I'm terribly sorry. Do I know you? / Kathy, it's me, Fran Fine, from Flushing Heights.
Wow! They did a great job on your teeth. Look, your chin comes forward and everything.
I don't know... / Oh, and you finally got yourself a pair of...
This is Kathrine Porter of the Park Avenue Porters.
Now if I let you breathe again, will you go away?
Promise?
I hope those are saline because...
Hey, hey, hey, stop, stop.
Why do you have to act so crude for at at such a fancy party?
Well, I'm just kidding around. / Yeah, well, have a little class.
Now go help Niles clear. And remember I got dibs on all the leftovers with no cigarette butts.
You know, Brighten's right. I can't live without I my bear.
Let's face it, I'm codependent, and Teddy's my enabler.
Sweetie, I know it's tough.
I've had to ween myself off of lots of stuff.
Caffeine, cigarettes, my ex-boyfriend, Danny, and that was really tough.
Every time somebody burped garlic, I got a craving.
Oh, Fran, I'll try.
Oh, good girl.
But I'm going to miss his furry little body.
That's the same way I felt about Danny.
Hi. Are the leftovers ready yet? / Yeah, help yourself.
Take that one. Just eat around the lipstick.
Oh, you are never going to guess who is at the party out there.
Kathy Marie O'Mally. / Get out of here. Are you sure?
Yeah. / Does she still have the shag?
No. And she's nowhere without it. / Has she aged?
Like a bowl of fruit.
Has she had any work done? / More than L.A. after the quake.
Meow Mix, ladies?
Excuse me. Could somebody please point me to the powder room?
Ah, yeah. Sure.
Cause I busted out of gym class, and I'm dying for a smoke.
Hey ...
Kathy, / I knew it was you.
I was just telling Val how gorgeous you look.
So what's with the act?
Ah, what about Mr. French over there?
Oh, Niles, you can trust him. He's like Shultz.
I know nothing, nothing.
So what are you doing here? / Oh, I married up.
Wow! / What are you doing here?
I'm the nanny. / Oh ...
What? / Oh, nothing.
You know, I mean, it's just everybody thought you were really going places.
Oh, well, I showed them.
You remember Val?
I'm blank. / Oh, sure you do.
Remember when we all used to go to Rye Beach Playland?
Val would get up early and stand in a parking spot until we'd get this.
Those were the days. / Oh, yeah.
So how'd you meet Mr. Right? / I sued him.
Wow! How romantic.
He rear ended me. / I'm not into that.
Now I remember you.
You know, my husband has a partner. Oh, Franny, you should meet him. He's loaded.
Oh, no. I couldn't date anyone just cause he was rich.
What are you prejudice?
You going to hold it against him because he's got two Ferraris?
Oh, well, it's not really his fault.
A house in Monte Carlo?
When did I get so intolerant? / A private jet and a diamond mind.
Oh, you're right. I'm a bigot. I should be ashamed of myself.
I'm going to have to work through it.
I can't believe I'm going on this date.
I mean the man is a millionaire.
I'm just a simple girl with simple tastes.
Where's my other earring? / I'm changing the bulb.
Fran, can you ask dad about the concert before you leave? I'll die if I don't find out tonight.
Oh, well, we wouldn't want that to happen. I get paid less with only two kids ...
Oh, Mr. Sheffield ... / No ...
Oh, all right. Forget it. / Fran ...
Oh, no Maggie. Give it up. I mean he can't get you that those tickets.
He doesn't have those kind of connections.
I beg your pardon. I can get tickets to any show on Broadway.
Oh, Broadway. Sure, of course.
I mean, you know, if she wants to go see Ann Miller in "Sugar Babies",
you'll be the first one we call. But this is the rock world, you know.
I mean it's way out of your sphere.
I'll have you know I was staging happenings on Carnaby Street
while you were still scouring the semiannual clearance sale at Toys R Us.
Does the word "Donovan" mean anything you to?
Oh, I loved him.
"They call me mellow yellow" ...
Quite rightly.
Meanwhile, explain to me "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds."
The girl with colitis goes by?
I always thought that was very distasteful.
That's the girl with kaleidoscope eyes, Miss Fine.
Oh ...
Leave it to Flushing to turn a beautiful image into a bowel dysfunction.
Well, don't you worry, Maggie. I will get you those tickets.
Electrical banana ...
Let's hope that's not hereditary.
Thank you, so much, Fran. That was awesome.
Oh, well, I might be old, but the noodle is still sharp as a tack.
Oh, my God, Nanny Fine. Don't tell me you're wearing that cheap tacky dress
to meet Richard Porter's oldest friend. I wouldn't be caught dead in that dress.
You'd have to be dead six months to fit into it.
Wow, this could be the man of my dreams.
He could be handsome. He could be sexy ...
or he could be my grandfather.
How do you do? I'm Theodore Timmons.
When you said he was Richard Porter's oldest friend, you weren't kidding.
Theo, I'm Fran.
I hope you're not disappointed? I know I'm not.
Oh ... please, come in. Sit down.
I couldn't decide between flowers and candy.
Oh, well, isn't that the old age question... age old, age old.
You're a, a beautiful young woman.
Be still my heart. Not too still.
Oh ... Theo, stop. Woops! Don't fall.
My God, what on earth are all these flowers for?
Either Miss Fine's date with Mr. Timmons went extremely well
or he died and we're hosting the wake.
Oh, poor thing. And she was so looking forward to this date.
I just hope he isn't using her to get to her bone marrow.
All right. Decorum.
She's probably humiliated enough without walking in and finding us laughing at her.
Yeah, you're right. Poor thing.
Good morning, everyone.
Oh, would you look at all these flowers for a handshake.
What do you get for a goodnight kiss? Holland?
What?
Bam-pa-pa-bam ...
Miss Fine, aren't you a little overdressed for breakfast?
Oh, well, obviously you've never been to morning services at Temple Emanuel.
I, I take it the date of a crowning success.
Thank you, Sheckie Sheffield.
Actually, it went a lot better than I expected it to.
For starters, he lived through it.
All right. So he's a little more mature than I'm used to.
Mature? Fran, we're talking "Encino Man."
Does he at least have a good body? / Oh, honey, you know Fabio?
Put his feet on Burgess Meredith.
Well, I'm glad to see you're not taking this too seriously.
Who said I wasn't? He happens to be very sweet, very witty,
and just full of cash... I mean life.
I don't know, he just makes me feel young.
Miss Fine, he would make Stonehenge feel young.
Ah, you know, Maggie, Theo owns a couple of recording labels.
Maybe he could get you those tickets to the concert?
I said I'd get those tickets, and get them I shall.
Oh, well, maybe he could get you backstage passes?
Back stage? I'll get her on the stage.
They'll even break a bloody guitar over her blasted head.
Cool.
Miss Fine, Mr. Timmons to see you. / Oh ...
Sheffield, I'm sorry to interrupt your breakfast,
but I, I just had to see my baby doll.
Oh... Well, I guess I'm the only baby doll here.
Oh... Theo.
I had the sweetest dreams last night, and they were all about you.
Oh, Theo. Stop. Whoa!
You were covered in diamonds, kiddo.
Oh, Theo, you are so extravagant,
but really, let's get to know each other first. Honestly,
a good conversation to me is worth more than all the jewels in the world.
Do you want to have dinner in Paris? / Enough said.
Talk about elegance, this is the first time I've ever been in a toilet on a plane
where I didn't feel like I was going to be sucked out over the Atlantic ...
Thank you ...
Say, are they even going to say two words to us?
I mean how am I going to get to know Theo better...
Franny, leave them alone.
Every minute they don't talk to us, they make another million.
Well, money is nice, but there are more important things than... is that lobster?
Hey, babe / Not now, I'm eating
Aren't you going to eat too? / No, I'm going to nap.
How could you nap with 19.95 a pound staring you in the face?
Franny, stick with me, and you will be sleeping through caviar.
I hate waste.
How's the champagne? / Oh, it's nice and dry.
You know, at Sizzler they take it out of the shell ...
Oh, Theo, you know, I've never been to Paris, but I've always wanted to go,
ever since the "Facts of Life" girls went there.
Babe, you and Kathy do the town. Buy whatever you want.
What? I'm not going to see you all day? / Oh, look at that little lip, like a baby.
Theo, I'm serious. I don't want to go all alone.
Whatever you say, baby.
Kathy, baby, come sit in daddy's lap.
What's he going to do? Burp you? / If he wants.
I thought the Eiffel Tower leans.
No, Val.
That's Big Ben. / Oh.
What's eating you?
Oh, I'm breaking up with Theo. / Why?
Because he takes me to Paris, and all I did was fly in a private jet,
shop at the finest stores, eat in a five-star restaurant, and go home.
Drop dead.
Val, he doesn't care about what I have to say.
I'm nothing but window dressing to him, a beautiful ornament.
Vanna White.
You love Vanna.
I know. But I don't want to be her.
I want to buy the vowels. I want to solve the puzzle.
Oh, Fran, you should write that down.
I want a relationship, a real relationship.
Like Luke and Laura.
Fran, listen to what you're saying. It's ridiculous.
Luke would never leave her again.
Val, you're going to have to move away from those power lines.
All I'm saying is that I need a guy that cares about what I think.
Miss Fine, what do you think?
I've got these concert tickets for Maggie, but now I'm having second thoughts about letting her go.
You know, we're really in the middle of something here.
Why don't you get another pair. We'll sit a couple of rows back; we'll keep an eye on her.
Oh, excellent idea, Miss Fine. What would I do without you?
All I'm saying is I need a guy who needs me.
The driver is here. Are these all the things you want sent back to Mr. Timmons?
Yes.
Let me see your hands. / No.
Must I get the poultry shears?
Oh, all right, but Niles ...
diamonds are a girl's best friend, and now I'm all alone.
Oh, you've still got plenty of friends. Mr. Rhinestone and Mr. Zircon come to mind.
God, I can hardly hear myself think.
Drink? No, I don't want a drink.
Wasn't that opening act awful? What a joke.
Coke? Yeah, sure, I'm in the mood.
I'll have some food. Let's get a hot dog.
Hot dog and a coke, please.
"I Want To Hold Your Hand," that was music. / Wasn't it?
"She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah."
Now those were lyrics. / Brilliant.
Who can relate to a song "Dead and Bloated"?
Unless you've been to my mother's for Thanksgiving.
There you go, Miss Fine. / Oh, thanks. Um, yummy.
I don't know. I feel a thousand years old.
Try hiking up your underwear, pulling down your pants a little,
then you'll fit right in.
Ha. You first. / Ha, ha, ha.
Well, I'll tell you, you want to feel young, hang out with Theo.
Oh, I don't know, Miss Fine.
I think if you had played your cards right, it wouldn't have been long before you were a very wealthy woman.
Meanwhile, there are plenty of bimbos that grew old and died waiting for George Burns.
I need someone I can share things with.
Thanks, I'm so parched.
You know, you're absolutely right.
A good relationship has to be about give and take.
Hum? / Oh, thank you. Yeah.
Besides, you have to have stuff you can have in common.
Uh-huh. Catsup and mustard, just the way I like it. / Oh, sure.
I hope I didn't break his little heart. / Um ...
Although he does have a couple of new valves in there.
Well, I wouldn't worry about it, Miss Fine. He seems to have made a full recovery.
He's probably with some really young chippie.
Cee Cee?
It seems she's inherited your earrings, Miss Fine.
Well, I've got news for her.
They're nothing without the necklace.
Ow! Ow!
That's right, sweetie.
Keep snapping that rubber band every time you think of the bear.
It's called "negative reinforcement," and it really works.
Yeah, but now my watch doesn't fit anymore.
Hey, tell me about it. When I quit smoking,
I had a wrist that was the size of my Aunt Frida's ankle after she had salty fish.
Are you ready? / Yeah.
Congratulations. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
Hi, Gracie.
Ah, we'll be right back.